We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
