mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize