my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
