I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
