Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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