i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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