he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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