She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
