they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
