Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Randomize
