At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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