You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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