Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
