marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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