Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
