i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
