god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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