Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i wish my penis had a tongue
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
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