So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
It's shark week go big or go home
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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