Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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