Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
