I wish my penis had an off switch
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Randomize
