I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
