what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
COCAINE IS GR8
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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