is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
