So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
