Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
