They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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