My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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