shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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