Duck Duck Cougar?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
