My sheets look like a crime scene.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
