Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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