my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
