if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
