Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I wish you could order shots online.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
