someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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