I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
