apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
