Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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