I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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