New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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