I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
