Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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