Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
When are your genitals available?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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