Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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