My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
