I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
