I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
