I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
