so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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