i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
