if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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