someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
