Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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