Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
