I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
